10. Sex and the Bible

Sex was created by God. There is nothing wrong with it. “Marriage is honourable in all and the bed undefiled.” (Heb. 13:4). Use it honourably. Christian people get nervous about the discussions of sex. It is not the kind of subject we talk about anywhere. We should choose the time and the place. It is a personal and private matter, unless taught about in a Biblical perspective and to the right group of people. If Christians are not taught the Biblical way they may end up knowing not what to expect or they may follow the worlds wrong views.

Sex is Good

When God designed the act of sex it was good. Man has corrupted it and made it less that what it is. Christian married couples should see it is an excellent God given gift. It is the extension of the union of the soul and spirit when souls connect with each other the emotional and physical joy that can come is unspeakable and out of this world. It can bring you closer together and to God. It not only strengthens our marriages. It can affect those whom we work with and society because we are happy and fulfilled in our sexual activities in our marriage

We Should Talk it Over with Our Spouse
Because it is a sacred and intimate experience we can talk on a deeper level with the one we love. We should not be afraid to talk about it, your hopes and your fears. Talk over what you feel comfortable with. What you want and what you need. Do not avoid talking about it. If your spouse feels guilt or thinks it is sinful, talk it over don’t force them to carry out your desires.

Sex is one of the strongest things on earth. It can be the ultimate experience of joy and fulfilment. The physical, emotional and social aspects of sex make it so good. There is no reason why you can’t experience the goodness of sex in your marriage, especially since it was originally designed for that purpose. Have fun with sex. But it can take over ones life it can, ruin lives and marriages. The compulsion to demand sex can destroy the relationship and cause bitterness. Used wrongly it can destroy marriages and dishearten families.

What the Bible Says about Sex

Intimacy started with Adam and Eve. “And God blessed them, saying, be fruitful, and multiply.” (Gen.1:22). Adam and Eve showed no indication of shame or hesitation regarding sex or their sexuality. “They were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”(Gen.2:25). They became “one flesh” this is the sanctity of the marriage act. Understanding this provides the best setting for satisfying sexual intimacy. It is not casual, nor to prove how vigorous you are, it is not in order for you to get physical or psychological relief of sexual tension it is to give each other deep intimacy, contentment and joy. That is what sex was designed to give.

“Let your fountain be blessed, and the wife of your youth…let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.” (Prov.5:18-19). Exploring each other’s body is wonderful and nothing to be ashamed of.

You were designed for each other. It is not wrong to enjoy each other and give pleasure to each other.

“But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; and [the two] shall be one flesh.”(Mark 10:6-9).

You are your spouse’s counterpart. You were designed to be a partner to meet the needs, goals and desires of your spouse. You have been joined together by God to create a life of sexual happiness together.

Men and women are significantly different in their sexual interests and drives. Men usually have a desire for more frequent sex and greater variety in forms of sexual play. Women usually want more emotional connectedness through tender touch, a loving voice and conversation and prefer more consistent lovemaking technique. These differences often lead to tension over positions for intercourse, frequency of sex, and experimentation with different sources of stimulation.

Respect your spouse give love not sex. Don’t use or abuse them. Let respect be your guide to your choices of sexual play or foreplay. You may have to give up some of the things you feel comfortable with for the love of your spouse.

The Wedding Night
The wedding day can be both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the wedding day the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony. She has the man she loves beside her for the rest of her life. On the night she may be apprehensive about the experience and pleasure of sex. Both must be assured that they should love, be considerate and understanding and enjoy one another. If there is fear then take you time and talk things over.

Sex for the first time may make a bride frightened and painful. The new husband should be caring and understanding. He should talk over with his Father, pastor or a friend how to avoid causing too much pain and to ease his new wife’s anxiety. It is not right to demand sex.

How Often Should We Have Sex?
Sex should be as often as both feel comfortable with. If it is too often it be comes lust if it is infrequent it causes frustrations. The husband should not always be demanding. He should be considerate and loving. After all love is not sex but it may lead to sex. When a man demands sex to often his wife may make excuses, about being too tired, or have a headache. Paul’s admonition is to only with hold sex from each other except by mutual consent (1 Cor. 7:1-7). Otherwise we are not to deprive one another in case Satan tempts us.

Sex Is To Be Enjoyed Proverbs 5:15-20
The imagery of water is used to show the joy of a faithful marriage.

Vs 15 “Drink water from your own cistern, and running water form your won well.” “cistern” and “well” refer to the wife form whom the husband is to draw all his satisfying, refreshment, sexually and affectionately.

Vs 16-17 “Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, streams of waters in the streets? Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you.”

Vs 18 “Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.” This is God blessing the act of procreation when confined to ones wife.

Vs 19 “”As a loving deer and a graceful doe , let her breasts satisfy you all the times, and always be enraptured with her love.”

Sexual play should be enjoyable! If an activity you’re doing doesn’t bring enjoyment to both partners it will cause resentment and distance between you. That’s not part of the design for “becoming one flesh.” It may be that some forms of your sexual play create pain for one or both of you. That should be evaluated medically. If something is creating discomfort get advice or treatment. If you are having any psychological, physiological or spiritual problems affecting your sexual relationship agree to get advice from someone you both respect and agree on. The wrong psychological mod can cause sexual problems.

Be Considerate
When it comes to sex men mainly reach a climax first. It is important to have a slow build up before the sex act in order for both to be ready. Many women have never had a climax or they feel frustrated because the husband has and he turns over and falls asleep. This is not being loving or considerate. It can cause the woman to feel used. Find out what your partner likes you to do and what gives them satisfaction and pleasure. This creates closeness can build up to a climax. However, some are plagued with guilt because they wonder if what they’re doing is sinful. Men, remember women are made differently they have different anatomical equipment. The hormones may have a physical or psychological difference at certain times of the month. Be considerate and thoughtful.

The Right Attitude

If you have been arguing or fighting about sex wait until everything is sorted out or settled otherwise it becomes just a compulsion or animal thing. Don’t stay up too late with the attitude your spouse will not feel like sex and go asleep. Be honest and tell them you don’t feel like sex tonight. But on the other hand if you tell them a time when you will want to have sex they will look forward with anticipation will be so enjoyable and expectation exciting. Decide at time to make it along drawn out evening knowingly the end will culminate in a loving sexual relationship. Go out for dinner early in the evening, then go for a walk and a talk. This will set the mood and the excitement will build up for when your intimate experience with each other.

Don’t Do Things Your Spouse is Not Willing to

Our society has encouraged bizarre form s and practices of sex. Don’t do anything that would degrade your sexual love for one another. Talk over what you both feel comfortable with and that is honouring to one another and to God. There are some definite boundaries, however, that were identified through his Word. Some sexual behaviour is forbidden in scriptures. Marital faithfulness must not be marred by adultery, lust, and fornication with some one other than your spouse they are all forbidden. The Bible also lists other practices that are “abominations” to God (Le v. 18, Rom. 1:21-32, I Thess. 4:1-8, and I Cor. 6:12-20). These include homosexuality, bestiality, and incest. There are things not mentioned in the Bible such as Internet pornography, DVDs, films etc but we can use

Keep your heart and mind pure and your life will be pure and you will enjoy the intimacy of sex.

Nudity in the bedroom is once again to be talked over. But avoid being an exhibitionist. If the new bride does not want her husband to view her body she has that right. It is still hers and she must share it willingly. Sex is a private matter and should be the culmination of soul love.

Sex is not to be used as a Bargaining Tool

Don’t use it to get that new kitchen he will always regret getting it fitted, don’t use it to get a new dress it will remind him of being used by you. Don’t use it to get your own way. Men should not promise to buy you something or let you have your parents over for dinner, or to let you go away for the weekend, just so they can have sex. Do not use each other as a bargaining chip.

Four Stages of Sexual Experience (Selected from Melissa and Louis McBurney, M.D.)
The sexual experience itself has four stages. Arousal. Plateau. Climax. Recovery.

Arousal. It occurs when a person’s body moves into an eroticized state. The most important thing to remember about arousal is that the woman’s body will prepare for sex quite differently than the man’s. For men sex is a reaction. Put the right stimulus in front of him and he’s ready for sex in a matter of seconds. Blood redirects into the sexual organ, causing an erection and he can quickly begin sexual intercourse. But this is exactly why so many men make lousy lovers. They assume that because they are ready, their wife is ready as well. Not necessarily true.

For women, sex is a decision. After they decide to be involved in sex, their body takes several minutes (figure at least twenty minutes) to prepare of sexual union. Physical changes occur that require time. Her breasts swell slightly, especially the area around the nipple etc. etc. The key to her pleasure-her clitoris-becomes larger and more sensitive so that she may experience pleasure and orgasm. Her vagina begins to lubricate. If you try to enter her before she is ready, not only do you run the risk of intercourse being painful for her, you will almost certainly frustrate her. She won’t enjoy the sensations, feelings, and ecstasies God intended her to enjoy. So make sure you allow plenty of time for her to become aroused. During that arousal period, gently kiss, caress, and speak soft romantic words to her. The more of her five senses you excite-touch, hearing, sight, smell, and taste-the better lover you will be.

Plateau. This is that very pleasurable period where both of you are aroused and enjoying all the wonderful sensations of sexual contact. You may be actively involved in intercourse. Or you may be exploring each other’s body in other ways. Anything you can do at this point to continue the very sensual pleasures of each other’s bodies works well. Don’t be in a hurry. Just because she’s ready doesn’t mean that she-or you-has to orgasm right away. Take your time and enjoy every feeling and sensation that you can. For most men, ejaculation comes within three minutes of beginning intercourse. Real lovemaking is more fulfilling, and a lot more fun, if you postpone your orgasm for a while.

Orgasm. It usually ends the plateau period for the man. He immediately enters a refractory period in which his body recuperates from his orgasm to the point of being able to have another. The older the man, the longer this period takes. While a very young newlywed may have two or three orgasms in one long night of lovemaking, an elderly man may find that he can have an orgasm only every two or three days. Admittedly, orgasm is the most intense physical sensation, but don’t try to make it happen too quickly. It’s the culmination of a whole series of pleasurable activities and sensations. Don’t make it your goal, but your reward for doing well in everything that precedes it.

Many women find that orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean that they must end their plateau. Quite a few women are multi-orgasmic. That means they can go from orgasm back into plateau and have another orgasm without much time lapse. Truly multi-orgasmic women can go from orgasm to plateau to orgasm to plateau an indefinite number of times. Of course, that almost always means a very understanding and considerate lover who isn’t focused on his orgasm but on giving her as many as possible in this lovemaking session. But most men report that they enjoy the sexual experience much more when their wives are experiencing orgasm after orgasm. They find it quite a turn-on.

Recovery. This happens as a person returns to his or her uneroticised state. Just as it doesn’t take a man very long to be aroused, it doesn’t take him very long to recover. He can be ready to mow the lawn, take a shower, or roll over and sleep very quickly after his orgasm. Not so with the female. Just as it took her a longer period for arousal (at least twenty minutes), it will take her a longer while to recover. Most men would increase their lovemaking expertise dramatically if they didn’t allow their quick recovery to make them insensitive to their wife’s longer recovery. Just as she needed kissing, caressing, and gentle romantic words to arouse, she needs similar attention to recover. Nonsexual kissing, caressing, and talking gives her a wonderful way to recover without feeling abandoned. She needs the time with you to get back to her uneroticised state. Be a good lover and give her that time and attention.